PRESIDENT OBAMA: Hello students of the People’s Republic of the United States of America. I am your President. I wish to thank the principals, teachers and educators around the country for tuning into my address. For those who opted out of playing this address for the students, the Secret Police know who you are and will be visiting you strongly. (laughs) Okay, I was kidding. But we have the wiretaps in place. (laughs) Okay, enough levity.
As you children know, I wanted to assign you homework today. I was going to ask all of you to put down your iPods, Playstations and AK-47s and write yourselves a letter with suggestions for helping me run the country. Unfortunately the Republicans and my nutjob trailer park-dwelling troglodyte critics think that I will indoctrinate you into some sort of quasi-socialism using cleverly-worded propaganda designed to appeal to fragile young minds. What further from the truth. I mean, how can I brainwash America’s youth when you’re already brainwashed? I mean, you’re all a bunch of Twittering, Britney Spears-listening, button-pushing automatons as it is, free from rational thought or deductive reasoning. How can I, the leader of the Free World and President of the planet’s only remaining superpower persuade a generation enslaved by popular culture as you brats? Your generation had everything handed to you and yet you’re still miserable. I mean, you’re really a whiny bunch of Googling, texting, jabbering nincompoops, aren’t you? If you’re not imitating your friends, you feel like Eskimoes banished on ice floes, alone in the wilderness. If you’re not posting pictures of yourselves on Facebook, you cease to exist, is that it? And the Republicans think I’m going to indoctrinate you? I haven’t seen such vacant stares since Village of the Damned.
Anyway, I’d like to talk about my opponents for a second and why I had to scrap my homework assignment for you. See, I’m a Democrat. They are Republicans. The job of Democrats is to tinker with and experiment on society. It’s like the cosmetic companies do to rabbits, by squirting chemicals in their eyes. Yeah, it’s barbaric, and the rabbits are usually put down before they can scratch their tiny eyes out, but it’s all worth the end result of getting the right shade of eyeshadow. Just like what the Democrats do with society by tweaking, prodding and generally disturbing the social order. Now the Republicans’ job is to stop our meddling. See, they don’t want a new shade of eyeshadow. They just want the rabbit to stay in its cage, overeating and pooping on itself and not serve any real purpose. Republicans stop progress dead. They hate anything to do with improving society and want things the way they are. Inertia trumps progress in the red states, I guess.
So when I released my Glorious Healthcare Plan for the People, they call it socialism. They call me Hitler. They show me profound disrespect. One minister from Arizona wished I would die and leave my wife a widow and my children orphans. Nice to see someone really has got this whole Christianity thing nailed down. Looks like when I build the relocation camps, they’ll be in Arizona.
Kids, why can’t your parents understand that I’m not some wolf in sheep’s clothing? I don’t want socialism for any nefarious or diabolical means. I want socialism because in some cases, it works. Yeah, I know we’re a capitalist country and the free market rules. But didn’t the free market and those greedy vultures from Wall Street, along with a lack of governmental regulations and oversight and flawed lending practices supported by Clinton and Bush help screw up our economy? If a corporation fails, why do its CEOs get rewarded millions of dollars? Sounds kinda unfair to me.
Look, kids…mind if I smoke?
(pulls out pack of menthols and smacks it in the palm of his hand, flips box open, removes cigarette and places it in mouth)
I’m trying to quit, really.
(lights cigarette with Zippo lighter with a German Iron Cross on it and inhales deeply before puffing out a billowing cloud of smoke)
Damn, that’s good….By the way, don’t smoke, kids. Cigarettes are bad for you. Just say no.
Okay, where was I? Oh, right. My critics. See, these people who don’t want me speaking to you are really out of their minds. They’re crazy. You know that kid you see at lunch with the retainer and the Barney lunchbox who sits buy himself and can’t open a pudding cup? These people are worse than that kid. People like Glenn Beck, who, incidentally, is a certified loon. Glenn Beck goes on television and rants and raves about how the socialists are taking over America. He even analyzed the art of Diego Rivera, a communist whose mural graces Rockefeller Center, a bastion of capitalism. Never mind that Rockefeller commissioned Rivera’s work in the 1930s, or that Rockefeller despised communism like a majority of Americans. In Glenn Beck’s paranoid mind, it’s all part of a subversive movement to sneak communist symbols into America and slowly indoctrinate the gullible masses. Glenn Beck has gone so far over the edge with his insane rants that he sounds like the conspiracy theorist in the tinfoil hat that hangs out by the subway and is convinced space aliens are poisoning the water supply. The dude is totally sick.
My critics also silenced Anthony Van Jones, my Special Advisor for Green Jobs over some comments he made about 9/11 and the Republican Party. Granted, his comments about 9/11 seemed as fringe as Glenn Beck waxing eloquent over my connections to Marxism or my indoctrination tactics on our Nation’s Glorious Youth, but he was pretty straightforward and honest. I mean, he called Republicans assholes. Now that comment was taken out of context and made some people upset. To his credit, Van Jones said the reasons Democrats are unable to move anything through Congress compared to Republicans is that Republicans are assholes. In other words, Republicans don’t back down. Republicans aren’t concerned with detrimental effects of their decisions. They just plough through everything like a linebacker hopped up on cocaine, not stopping for anything. Democrats lack initiative because they’re not assholes like the Republicans. And being an asshole is a good thing in politics. That Van Jones was a Marxist cannot be overlooked. Sure he claimed to be a Marxist, but I thought he meant the screwball comedies of the Marx Brothers. The guy looks like a black, bald Groucho. How was I to know that he meant Karl Marx? Do any of you hyperactive, ADD techno-spazzes know who Karl Marx is? Google it sometime. Really interesting stuff.
This address was supposed to be about studying hard, eating right and participating in your community. I was supposed to look like I’m engaged with American youth, that by imparting to you the values of work and community service, you’d do right by your country and make this a better place for everyone.
But something funny happened to me on the way to school. My opponents psyched me out. They called out the Cult of Obama and slapped me down. They turned me into some kind of twisted demagogue, some megalomaniacal despot that will seduce you kids on Big Government and socialism, communist, fascism or whatever crazy bullshit they’re accusing me of peddling. Like I'm cheering for this country to transform into some Bolshevik utopia complete with gulags, re-education camps and party loyalty songs. Did I once talk about proletariats' struggles against the oppressive bourgois? If I did, I don't remember.
Sure, I believe government is the answer to everything. I’m a Democrat. Over 50 percent of voters elected a Democrat president. If your parents didn’t know what the Democrats stand for, then the next election they should stay home, drink beer and watch stockcar racing in their undershirts like they’ve always done. Democrats want the government to control every facet of their lives. We want you to not only like Big Brother, but to spoon lovingly with him at night. The Republicans want to make you afraid and paranoid of the government.
I don’t have all the answers. Hell, most of the time I’m cleaning up the mess left by incompetent staffers and ambitious lackeys who put me on a pedestal and think I’m some kind of mulatto JFK.
Truth is, I’m tired. I’m tired of constantly having to reach out to the other side while members of my own party are also shafting me. Just because my poll numbers are going south, now nobody likes me. Back in January I was the rock star. Now I’m just a washed-up has-been looking for a comeback tour.
Will we pass healthcare reform? Probably not. How about end the war in Afghanistan? Not in our lifetime. Turning the economy around? That’s seems likely, but we’re still spending money to stimulate the sluggish economy. All I can do in the middle of calamity is continue to smile and remain unflinching and dedicated in the face of rabid, fanatical criticism. If I were such a socialist or fascist, I’d have clamped down on all dissent, right? Yet Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are free to sling mud at me.
The lesson here is to rise above it, Glorious Youth of Tomorrow. Do your best in school and life. Help your families. Eat your vegetables. Exercise. When you’re 18, vote. And if you ever go into politics, it doesn’t hurt to be an asshole. I hear that helps if you want to accomplish anything.