Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Advice for the Interns

So you're the new intern, eh?

You must be; you don't have that forlorn look of abandonment and soul-crushing despair everyone else in the newsroom has.

Listen up, jackwagon! Now that you've decided to intern at the newspaper, you're going to learn a few things about journalism that just might save your life in the field.

Yeah, I'm your drill sergeant, your mentor, your god. Now stop texting or I'll cut your thumbs off, slapnuts! This is serious! You want to be a reporter, right? Believe the public's got a right to know? Support First Amendment freedoms? Think journalism is an honorable and necessary profession?

Horse dung! Every word of it!

You know why people become journalists? Because they're too untalented to be novelists and too talented to be English teachers, that's why!

First rule of journalism is: Everybody hates you and nothing you write will ever be the truth. Today, everybody's a goddamn media critic. Doesn't matter if you crap Pulitzer prizes, someone somewhere will think you're a biased hack. In this business, like every other occupation, you're not going to please everybody.

Second rule of journalism: Politicians lie. They fib through their teeth, great whoppers of lies, massaging the truth like a 19-year-old Vietnamese prostitute touches her clients. These bastards have no qualms about lying their asses off and recanting their lies, even blaming you for misquoting them and spreading misinformation. So it's your job to catch them in the lie and expose them for the ethically bankrupt phonies they are.

Third rule of journalism: Devour all media, all the time. Read as much as you can, plug into every social networking site and blog your ass off. Stay connected to media and the world, because you don't want to be a bitter old fart who doesn't know what Twitter is.

Fourth rule: Develop sources in the area you cover. Make friends in city hall. Take a bureaucrat to lunch. Diversify your contacts. The more sources a journo has, the easier the job. Many people trusting you means more information flows your way. You'll be breaking stories and scooping the competition in no time.

Fifth and final rule: Have fun. Sure, journalism is an arduous climb up a shit-covered slope, but at times it could be rewarding. Writing stories about issues shaping a community helps these turnipheads understand their world. Sure, most of them are gawping hayseeds or cynical bumpkins, so consider yourself a missionary, brining the good word of factual information to the unenlightened minions.

To your critics, you're a liberal media elitist, a left-wing commie, a degenerate parasite and blood-hungry vulture. They will brand you these things, even if it isn't true, even if you're a right-wing Republican with pictures of Ronald Reagan on your desk. To them, you're just a lefty reporter who wants America to fail.

Want to know a secret? Put that damn iPhone down and pay attention! My secret is, I know something my critics don't. I know who I am. I understand my abilities as a writer and a reporter. I weed through all of the bullshit and sift through the disgusting chunks of smelly fecal matter to find the nuggets of truth, and distill those down to their clearest, most cohesive points, extricating the fluff and nailing down the important and factual.

The greatest weapon you can have as a reporter isn't a loaded Remington 700, although having one helps. It's your moxie, your chutzpah, your dogged determination. Refuse the word "no". Ignore defeatism and plow through rejection as though your life depended on it. Become a pain in their ass and cling to them unrelentingly like a barnacle on a ship. You're there to do the public's good, serving their interests, not a specific segment of the public but all of those unwashed, ungrateful bastards.

I'll leave you with the words of journalist Edward R. Murrow. You might have heard about him in class when you weren't stoned off your asses or texting your friends: "To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Dick Jokes Galore!

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner got caught sexting a bevy of women. If you don't know what sexting is, ask a teenager - they're probably doing it right now.

Weiner's lack of judgment to engage in posting lewd correspondence online didn't stop at the written word. Not content with chatting up bimbos with flirtatious banter that read like a really awful "Dear Penthouse" letter, Weiner sent photos of his erect penis, then denied the offending organ, which was tucked in a banana hammock, was his.

First, I'm amazed men would even contemplate sending photos of their junk to females. First Brett Favre, now Anthony Weiner. What do they expect to accomplish by flashing their dicks via the Internet, a cluster of naughty pixels meant to stimulate a women into orgasmic frenzy? It only shows that these morons are clueless when it comes to women. Men are visually-oriented. We can look at a picture of a lingerie model and become instantly stimulated. Women, on the other hand, are more cerebral and are aroused with a touch or an aroma. They're about imagination and letting themselves go. Men just need to be in visual range of a Hooter's waitress.

Even more disturbing than Weiner's poor online chatting habits are the news media's coverage of this scandal. Most commentators, journalists and editors are regressing back to junior high school and treating the story like a constantly multiplying dick joke. Because his name is Weiner - as in dick, get it? - the media sees this as carte blanche with the wee-wee references. If his name were Throbbington Hardwang IV or Titus Hugemember or Biggels Thickscrotum, I don't think it would have the same effect as Weiner.

The New York Post's headlines reflect a juvenile proclivity for bad taste. Weiner was manna from heaven for the headline writers. The following headlines actually appeared in the Post:

"Weiner: I'll Stick It Out"
"Weiner Exposed"
"Weiner's Pickle"
"Hide the Weiner"
"Weiner Pulls Out"
"Obama Beats Weiner"

Apparently in the New York Post's editorial department, dick jokes never get stale. What if the headline writer uses these stories in their portfolios for future employment?

"I'm exceedingly happy about this one. It's a doozy! 'Obama Beats Weiner'. Yep. My first headline double entendre referencing masturbation. Took me a pack of cigarettes and two bottles of Bud Light to think that prize-winner up!"

The media is supposed to explain, expose and inform, not act as comedian with a 10-minute set about how a politician's name sounds like slang for male genitals.

Making fun of Anthony Weiner is easy, and he probably deserves it. He betrayed the public's trust by engaging in improper online relationships like a horny college student. He must resign office and fade into the political woodwork as soon as possible.

His career in politics is over. He can't run in the wake of the scandal. What would his campaign slogan be? "Anthony Weiner: The reformer you want, the boner shots you need!"

But the media should at least attempt to be professional and not snigger like a group of school boys sitting in sex education class. Nothing is humorous about a politician falling from grace due to lascivious urges, losing their marriages, friendships and the public's trust. Except if the politician's name is Irving Sloppytwat.

That's shit's funny.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Doggy Dancer

One of many things the iPhone is capable of: recording stupid movies. Ain't technology swell?