May They Receive What They Wish For

The Tea Party movement makes repeated calls to stand up for freedom and to "take our country back" with the same mindless fervor as a Nuremberg Rally or even more recently, the Obama inauguration.

When one surrenders their individuality to groupthink, bad things often happen. When you vow to rally around the Constitution, then support some idiot Congressman's call to vivisect the 14th Amendment or introduce ridiculous amendments to prevent the desecration of the U.S. flag or define marriage, then you obviously don't grasp the Constitution at all. You're just swept up in the Glenn Beck tirades and tantrums of uber-patriotism, jingoism and douchebaggery that make foreigners scratch their heads and wonder how we ever invented the light bulb, telephone and airplane.

For all their whining about socialism and reclaiming their country from liberals, progressives and dusky hued minorities that somehow threaten their very way of existence, I'd like to see the Tea Party win in 2012. In fact, I'd like to see them get exactly what they want and win the White House and both houses of Congress. I want the Tea Party, which are the radical right wing of the Republican Party, to run things.

This is the only way you can successfully shut these fat, overindulgent doofuses up.

Because I don't want them to get Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck or some other obvious choice. I want them to elect a middle aged white man who thinks he's Hitler. I want them to elect an American Hitler, someone with a messiah complex who believes God put him on this Earth to cleanse America of her sins. I want them to elect some delusional whackjob who, the day of his inauguration, puts on a quasi-military uniform with a red, white and blue armband and pontificates about America's destiny as the apex of the world's nations.

I want this new president, who manipulates the law to make himself president for life, to govern by executive order, the same thing Obama is doing. Except I want the Tea Party president to pass laws that would liquidate San Francisco's gay and lesbian population in concentration camps in Alaska, make Christianity the national religion and English the national language and ban the teaching of evolution and science in schools. I want the punishment for not saluting the flag to be public hangings. I want this president to go completely nuts and invade Canada and Mexico because America needs more room to expand. I want him to take manifest destiny to the extreme and promote American colonies abroad. I want to see a cleansing of the ghettoes, a newfound appreciation for automatic weapons and all social welfare programs stop. I want the kind of jackbooted thuggery that would make Orwell's "1984" look like a Dick and Jane book.

I want the Tea Partyers to get their revolution and push America into a new shining age of nationalism, whether the people want it or not. I want them to repeal the 13th Amendment and have slavery once again. I want us to nuke the Middle East to ensure our safety from brown-skinned Muslims. I want them to lead a new holy war against the blasphemers and anti-American zealots. I want them to repeal the income tax and institute a system of taxes on the middle and lower classes, creating an even wider disparity between the wealthy and poor. I want them to ensure that corporations and not the government, run our lives. I want them to elect a president so insane, that he scares the shit out of his die-hard supporters.

I want the Tea Party Republicans to get exactly what they want in 2012. After all, that's the year the Mayans predicted the world would end.