Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Constitutionally Dumb

In a recent debate at Widener University between with Delaware Democratic Senate candidate Chris Coons and Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell, something bizarre happened.

When Coons clarified that the concept was found in the First Amendment, O’Donnell asked incredulously, “Are you telling me that’s in the First Amendment?”

Not wanting to make his candidate sound like a complete valley girl dipshit, Matt Moran, O’Donnell’s campaign manager responded, “Christine O’Donnell was not questioning the concept of separation of church and state as subsequently established by the courts. She simply made the point that the phrase appears nowhere in the Constitution. It was in fact Chris Coons who demonstrated his Constitutional ignorance when he could not name the five freedoms contained in the First Amendment.”

Really? Because I saw the video and Coons wasn’t queried on the freedoms contained in the First Amendment, nor was O'Donnell making any point. They were talking of the rights of local communities to teach intelligent design in public schools. Coons said schools should teach “broadly accepted scientific fact.” After that, everything took a swift detour to Did-She-Really-Fucking-Say-That Land. Here’s the transcript:

O’DONNELL: The theory of evolution is not a fact, it is a theory, and that theory, if local school districts want to give that theory equal credence to intelligent design it is their right. You are saying it is not their right. That is what has gotten our country into this position, the over-reaching arm of the federal government getting into the business of the local communities. The Supreme Court has always said it is up to the local communities to decide their standards. The reason we’re in the mess we’re in is because our so-called leaders in Washington no longer view the indispensible principles of our founding as truly that – indispensible.

COONS: And one of those indispensible principles is the separation of church and state.

O’DONNELL: Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?

(horrifying gasp, guffaws and a hundred whisperers tittering how stupid O’Donnell is)

Wilmington News Journal reporter Chad Livengood asked O’Donnell if she agreed with repealing the 14th, 16th and 17th amendments.

“17th amendment I would not repeal. That’s the amendment that puts the power to, for the state government to determine who represents you in Washington. I support that. I support the free election process of that,” O’Donnell said.

The 17th Amendment establishes the direct election of two Senators from each state by the people, instead of the state legislatures, which was originally defined in Article I.

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring my Constitution with me. Fortunately senators don’t have to memorize the Constitution,” O’Donnell said, as the rotting cadavers of the original 39 signers of the Constitution simultaneously rolled over in their graves.

It used to be that the best and the brightest ran for public office, that the citizens could look to their leaders in times of strife and unrest and be comforted that the nation’s Congress will find solutions to any insurmountable task though their competent intellectual abilities. Yet after hearing Christine O’Donnell at this debate I’m ready to build a fallout shelter in the back yard because if she gets elected, America will resemble a nightmarish post-apocalyptic wasteland that would make “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” seem like Disneyland.

But soft! Let us once again hither into the laudanum-inspired dream world of Christine O’Donnell:

COONS: I also think you’ve just heard in the answers from my opponent and in her attempt at saying ‘where is the separation of church and state in the Constitution’ reveals her fundamental misunderstanding of what our Constitution is, how it is amended and how it evolves. The First Amendment establishes the separation, the fact that the federal government shall not establish any religion and decisional law by the Supreme Court over many, many decades clarifies and enshrines…

O’DONNELL: The First Amendment does?

COONS: …clarifies and enshrines that there is a separation of church and state that our courts and our laws must respect.

O’DONNELL: So you’re telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?

COONS: It is important for us in modern times to apply the Constitution in my view as it exists today and as it’s been interpreted by our justices. And if there are settled pieces of Constitutional law like the separation of church and state, like the individual right to reproductive freedom that Roe vs. Wade represents, that we’ve lived with and have lived under for decades. In my view, it is important to know whether you have on my side a candidate who believes and supports those things and on the other side, a candidate who’s both unfamiliar with…

O’DONNELL: Let me just clarify. You’re telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?

COONS: ‘Government shall make no establishment of religion.’

O’DONNELL: That’s in the First Amendment?

Oh, Christine. Why are the pretty ones so dumb? If you hope to garner any support from rational, sensible Delawarians…Delawarans? Delawarlocks? Whatever your constituents are called. If you desire their admiration and respect, for once put down the Bible and pick up the Constitution. Better yet, go to the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. It’s a wonderful place dedicated to teaching citizens about the U.S. Constitution. There are many interpretive exhibits and experts who could walk you through it, amendment by amendment and you won’t feel stupid for revealing your naiveté. They even have pocket-sized copies of the Constitution you could take with you to your next debate.

But Christine, please, learn about the laws of the country before you decide to run for office.

It’s obvious that you’re constitutionally retarded and it showed when Coons schooled you on the First Amendment.

For your clarification, here’s some shocking shit you Christians won’t believe about the Constitution.

You know when the president takes the Oath of Office and finishes it with “So help me God?” Guess what’s not in the Constitution? That’s right! The presidential oath found in Article II, Section 1 does not mention “So help me God” at all.

If you thought the Constitution was a Christian document and the United States a Christian country, then you’re mistaken, because the Founding Fathers you feverishly dry-hump in your mind didn’t want to make a big to-do about religion in public life. Article VI states that Senators, Representatives, members of state Legislatures and judicial offices shall be bound by oath to support the Constitution, “but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

While this guarantees no favoritism or preferences of certain religions, to the many devout fundamentalist Christians who claim America is God’s favorite nation, this part of the Constitution makes baby Jesus cry sorrowful tears.

Even though the First Amendment doesn’t contain the exact words “separation of church and state,” the meaning is clear, and has been backed up by the courts and is recognized as legal to anyone with a functional brain who doesn’t believe touching your pee-pee parts will send you to Hell.

Christine O’Donnell’s latest cringe-inducing foray into the Constitution is another example of how politics has been tainted with ignorance, and reveals who the teabaggers really are: anti-intellectual robots who shout at the top of their lungs at just how patriotic they are, without having the slightest clue about the laws granting them the very freedoms they so espouse and claim are threatened from a mulatto Muslim president.

Christine, you’re not me. I actually know the Constitution.

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