Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Spam of My Heart

Years ago I joined this social networking site called Quechup, which sent me nothing but spam in the form of e-mails allegedly authored by buxom Russian women. I've blogged about this a few times in the past, yet with each and every unsolicited digital turd sent to my inbox, my faith in humanity dies a little every time.
Today I received another shit nugget from a nubile young woman named Anastasia. Here's the full text of her indecent proposal:

"Hello my new friend :) My name's Anastasia.
I write to you because I want serious relations.
I saw your profile on dating site
Therefore I write to you now. I think, that you are good man and I hope,
that my heart does not deceive me. I search true relations for creation family.
I write to you and I hope, that you write me also.
If you and I hope, that you write to me also.
If you are interested, please write to me on my this e-mail.
I shall by glad, if you will answer me.
I shall wait your message with impatience.
your Anastasia :)"

Oh, Anastasia. As much I would like to have "true relations" and "creation family" with you, I must decline. We come from two different worlds. Mine involves proper grammar and sentence structure. I understand this will come as a shock to you, but I don't believe you exist. Sure, it's a lovely photo of you, but it's probably not you. It was probably taken in the student union at Minsk University or a brothel in Moscow's red light district. As far as waiting for my message "with impatience," don't hold your breath. I hate impatient people. Your demands to immediately get into a relationship with me without asking me a single question about myself proves you're desperate, and desperation is a turn-off.
Please don't take this rejection to heart. You might be a wonderful woman, with strong Russian hands and a prominent brow. I could picture you wearing a babushka, holding a bushel of grain and singing the Soviet national anthem. I'm sure you're the talk of the village during the beet crop harvest.
The truth is, you're just not my type. I don't go for two-dimensional Russian stereotypes sent to me via spam. If I want to meet a superficial woman with a St. Petersburg accent, I'd smuggle myself into Russia.
Good luck on meeting the good man of your dreams, Anastasia. We're just not a match.
I'm into Asian women anyway.

1 comment:

Puspendu Mondal said...

You are a "Asto Paglachoda"