Torrid Spam Tales

Oh, Internet. Why do you toy with my emotions and test my patience? If it's not spam for male enhancements or spam for Nigerian investment scams, it's unsolicited spam from "women" who want to engage in amorous activity with me. What scrap of information did the viral marketers get their tentacles on and why would they wish to entrap me in their sordid web of imaginary sexual scenarios? How did my e-mail address fall into their possession? I surmise it must be someone I work with who wasn't too vigilant with their spam filter and a some Trojan horse virus slipped into their computer and rooted for e-mails, found mine and began spamming me.

No matter. I'm quite the Casanova with European women who are looking for "big strong man to make the love to", or however these barbarians speak.

Here's one my spam filter snagged Dec. 5:

"Eric I am glad, that the case was gave to me to write to you the letter! Whether we can get 
acquainted with you more close? I am not assured in true relations while people 
do not investigate each other more close. Today I shall not speak about me directly 
in details. I wish to receive your answer then we can investigate each other more close. 
Write to me on my personal e-mail address
 I send you my photo. Angelina"

So a hot young woman from Germany is making a love connection via some matchmaking service. Love how she mangles the English language. "the case was gave to me..." Why do these women always sound like Borat? "Today I shall not speak about me directly in details." Yeah, way to keep my interested. Be as cryptic and as enigmatic as you want. Builds the mystery, right? Couldn't you part with some detail? Like how old are you? Where are you from? How the fuck did you get my email? 

 I received this beauty in my spam filter Dec. 20:

"Hi sir!
How are you doing?
In this lonely evenings in anticipation of Xmas, we fill alone. And we want
only one thing - love. Love relationships, ,interesting dialogueand of
course passionate lovemaking, this is what we need. Are you interested? I
hope yes, then this email is for you.
A little information about me: My name is Irina, I’ 25 y.o. I'm a free
cheerful lady, sensual, kind, modest, but at the same time very passionate.
I'm looking for a serious man for a relationship. We can develop an
interesting dialogue and share photos, even erotic.
If you are ready to start a new life and enjoy the affection and
tenderness, write me!
I hope that my letter was interesting for you. Waiting for your answer!
Your passionate Irina.
Good-bye!"

I like the "Sir". Very formal. Like she's going on a job interview or something. Also think the "fill" instead of "feel" is endearing, almost like a kid writing letters backwards. By the second line, there's so much wrong with her message grammatically, with wrong punctuation and words running together, I'd say at that point during the composition, the Zoloft kicked in. 
At least Irina is more candid about herself than Angelina. I get her age and some important personality details. She is "free", "cheerful', sensual", "kind", "modest" and "passionate". I might be going out on a limb here, but isn't that what every man wants in a woman? 
Irina is looking for a "serious man" for a relationship. She's even into photo sharing and sharing "erotic". You mean sharing erotic photos? Is that it? 

Oh, and if you're acting like this is a job interview, put on some pants. You might get hired if you do. 

Here's something totally from Bizarro World. On the same day, I get another e-mail from Irina. This one was worded slightly differently:

"Hi man!
How are you?
In this lonely evenings in expectation of Christmas, we are lonely. And we
want only one thing - love. Serious relationships, ,live dialogueand of
course passionate lovemaking, this is what we need. Are you interested? I
hope yes, then this email is for you.
A little information about me: I’m Irina, I’ 25 years old. I'm a free
cheerful girl, sensual, kind, modest, but at the same time very sexy. I'm
looking for a serious man for a relationship. We can develop an interesting
dialogue and share photos, even erotic.
If you are ready to start a new life and enjoy the affection and
tenderness, write me!
I hope that my letter was interesting for you. Waiting for your answer!
Your passionate Irina.
See you soon!"

So apparently the writer got a little more relaxed and confident this time. The intro, a breezy and casual "Hi man!" makes you think of a beer commercial, or at least playing hackey-sack in the quad while scoping our babes from the Evergreen Dorm. Everyone on campus knows those Evergreen babes are bigger sluts than the Tri Delts, but they at least don't narc on you if you're carrying herb. 

Anyway, at least Irina 2.0 spelled "Christmas" instead of "Xmas". And she sent the same photo of herself...twice. 

I don't know what to make of all of this. there's a subtle art to crafting these e-mails. First, an attractive photograph of an attractive woman, early 20s, bedroom eyes, obvious Eastern European extraction. Second, a message designed to pique the interest of any man gullible enough to believe these photos weren't lifted from a Belarusian smut ring. Third, the promise of unbelievably torrid sex with said 20-something Eastern European woman and the definite possibility of a relationship. 

I don't think any naive dweeb playing 10 hours of World of Warcraft a day and who's only seen a vagina in a medical textbook would fall for this ploy. It's so over-the-top ridiculous and  should be mocked for the obvious troll/phishing/scam it is. 

What ever happened to old fashioned romance, of meeting a woman outside of the home, conversing with her and then developing mutual admiration and respect for one another, then exploring each other's bodies and minds sensually, with wild abandon, probing the deep recesses of their souls and allowing love to blossom naturally?

Well, that's also an old scam. Might not involve cheesecake photos of nubile Estonian women via e-mail, but it's basically bullshit. You want that kind of romance, watch "Bridget Jones's Diary" and cry into a pint of Haagen-Dazs. You want a woman - a real woman with no Russian mob ties - go out and meet one. Maybe you know her all ready. Make your move, then. Don't fear rejection. Just go out and tell her how you feel and what you want. Women like men who are direct and confident. 

However, don't whip out your dick on the first date. Get her good and drunk before you pull anything like that. If things progress favorably, you get lucky. If now, she'll be too drunk to remember, so if she tells the police, the testimony of a drunken woman is not reliable. 

Trust me on this, amigos.