Hi. My name’s Eric and I’m addicted to Facebook.
The most popular social network site duped me out of
precious hours of my life and turned me into a rabid procrastinator. When
future historians reach into their TruthOrbs and lecture to their
Holo-Students, they’ll recall how Facebook destroyed marriages, ruined
friendships and corrupted 21st Century society.
This is the flash point where everything faltered.
Facebook.
Why has this innocent site caused so much chaos and ill
tidings? Don’t I enjoy hearing from the multitudes of “friends” and their
everyday happenings, no matter how trivial? Don’t I like seeing the umpteen
photos of everything including blurry pictures of their lunch, taken with a
cameraphone at Applebee’s? Don’t I laugh at the various memes they post
featuring cats or Star Wars references?
Of course I do, and that’s the problem.
I’ve used Facebook since 2008. I visit it every day,
multiple times. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I find myself looking at Facebook,
as if I’m sleepwalking, mindlessly logging in and browsing through my friend’s
activities. Far from heightening my sense of awareness, it lulls me into a dull
torpor where no productivity escapes. It’s the black hole of socialization, a
meandering idiot-fest where you read about everything your friends are up to
and suffer through a constant barrage of pictures. The event horizon of this
swirling black hole are the comments your friends leave to you. I have to check
out all of their comments to me, about me and in posts I commented in. The
entire thing is like some diabolical Chinese puzzlebox but instead of
unraveling the mystery and opening the box, your soul ends up inside the box.
Facebook used to be cute. Once you could “poke” your
friends, a lighthearted way of saying “Hello. I don’t have a life, either.” Amusing videos of a baby swallowing a crayon. Fun games like Mob Wars or Farmville. Those
insidious games are now annoying and anyone who sends me an invite will get a
tersely-worded reply and a brick thrown at them.
A virtual brick. I’m no brutish thug.
Though Facebook had linked the world and allowed strangers
to share cat photos and urban legends masquerading as fact (HIV-infected
needles in gas pump handles? Really?) it is a complete time sink. Prepare to be
amused or bored for hours.
In prompting me for my status update, Facebook is now asking
me “How do you feel?” When did they replace the cold, logical parser with a New
Age counselor? How I feel is pissed off I have to tell Facebook how I feel.
Mind your own business, Facebook. And don’t even try to hug me.
In wishing to utilize my time wisely and more efficiently,
I’m listing the most cogent replies to my Facebook friends based on an
aggregation of their most popular status updates:
·
To the people posting Christian-related
messages: Yeah, I get it. You like Jesus. Religion is important to your life.
Tell me again how it improved your outlook as a human. Now tell me your
thoughts on the homeless, poor people on welfare and single mothers.
·
To the atheists posting how stupid religion is
and how science gives you all boners: So you don’t follow a religious creed,
and you’re debunking someone else’s faith. That’s great, Poindexter. Religion
is stupid. Feel better now? Feel superior? Feel smug? Apparently tolerance
isn’t your bailiwick. But the stuff about Neil deGrasse Tyson you keep posting
is interesting.
·
To the people posting pro-gay rights messages:
Okay, you’d like to see gays and lesbians get married. Fine. But if gays want
the same rights as straights, there has to be a trade-off. Gays can get married
if straight people can reclaim Broadway show tunes without being sniggered at.
If a straight guy wants to belt out the soundtrack to “Les Miz” while riding
his tractor mower, he should be allowed.
·
To the people who post photos asking for a
million “Likes” to help their kid get a puppy, or support their puppy with ass
cancer, or for their glee club to get a class trip to Norway: You’re all attention whores.
Stop it. This is a desperate attempt at groveling for approbation. If you’re a
husband and your wife won’t let you buy a puppy for junior unless you get a
million “Likes”, buy the damn dog anyway! You’re the one with the penis, so act
like it.
·
To the Republicans/Democrats who post
pro-Republican/pro-Democrat or anti-Republican/anti-Democrat messages, memes or
assorted crap: While I am passionate about America, the U.S. Constitution and
the future of our society, you’re all a bunch of Stepford douches shambling after your political masters. Until you learn to think for yourselves and break
free from political machines and their poisonous ideologies, you’re never going
to be fully actualized adults. Reach away from your comfort zones. Dare yourselves
to think differently. Don’t give into hatred and ignorance. Or, barring that,
try to be a class act in political discourse instead of a name-calling
troglodyte.
·
To people posting photos of your kids:
Congratulations. You successfully reproduced. You’re no doubt proud of your
offspring and posted several photos of them on Facebook, for the whole world to
see. Considering how sick and messed up the world is, and any pedophile with an
Internet connection can view these photos, you’re not going to win parent of
the year, are you?
·
To people complaining about their jobs/places of
employment/co-workers: I sympathize with you. I really do. But don’t you think
a less public forum would be more appropriate for your rants on how unfair your
boss is or how the ladies in accounting treat you like shit? Again, people can
see what you post. Grow a pair and stop whining.
·
To the people who deliberately post
controversial questions to goad others into arguing with them: Gun control.
Abortion. Feline AIDS. You’ve got the issues and you’re itching for a fight. If
you feel strongly about the topic, do something constructive and join a group
or something. This passive-aggressive attitude of taking it to Facebook is
making you look like a douche-nozzle. Here’s a tip: Don’t look like a
douche-nozzle.
·
To people posting photos of exotic places they’ve
traveled: Wonderful! You’ve been to Aspen!
·
To people posting constant photos of their pets:
You have a dog. And a cat. And another cat. And another dog. Look! The dog is
licking its balls! The cat is crapping in the litter box! Isn’t technology
grand?
·
To people posting jokes/pithy observations:
These are allowed. They amuse me. Do carry on…
·
To people posting memes that just aren’t
true/urban myths/incredibly frightening scenarios with no plausible logic
behind them: Stop it. You’re gullible if you believe everything you read on the
Internet. The government doesn’t want to confiscate your guns, Obama is not a socialist
Muslim wizard from Kenya, and the ghost will not kill you if you don’t forward
the chain letter. I live on planet Earth. Care to visit sometime?
·
To people who post details of recent medical
procedures or health updates: I’m concerned with my friend’s well-being, so
thanks for keeping me informed.
·
To people who post photos of food/alcohol they
are currently consuming: Wow! You’re at Delmonico’s! Lobster Newberg and Pinot
Grigio. Enjoy that gastronomic feast!
I realize I’m guilty for about half of these violations. I guess I’m in
too deep. I’ve become the very thing I loathe; a mole-like subterranean dweller
with pasty skin and bulbous eyes who clatters upon the keyboard while going
through my friend’s timeline history.
I
am in Facebook Hell.
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