Hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

- Trent Reznor
"Hurt"

The best version of this song I heard was the rendition by country legend Johnny Cash. Talk about a song that provokes instant crying. This song sums up how I've felt over the last two weeks: the guilt, the pain, the loss. That's really all I can say now.

Anhedonia

I've never been this depressed. I can function fine, but there are days when I just wonder what's the point to everything. I went to a comic book show in Philadelphia this weekend. The main hall was filled with comic books, toys, artists and video games. And all I could think was what's the point? It's all just a distraction, just colorful brain candy meant to grab our attention briefly. So I attended a seminar given by a bigwig in the comic business and learned much about breaking into comics. But I just didn't want to be there. I just got up and left and returned to the main hall, where I ran into two of my fraternity brothers from college. That was the highlight of my day, seeing people I hadn't seen in 14 years. Both of them are proud parents and divorcees. It was really good talking to them again.
I did meet Jim Steranko, a legendary artist, writer and magician who was the inspiration for the Escapist. He autographed a copy of Domino Lady, a good classic pulp.
I don't know why I'm bitching about this. I should be grateful for being alive. I should count my blessings. I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm miserable. I walk around work like a zombie, my appetite decreased and I only get a few hours of sleep at night. I used to like going to these conventions, but the whole show was a disappointment. I'm finding that with most everything I do lately.
What's the point?

Change

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?

-Tracy Chapman
“Change”

I made some selfish decisions recently that cost me one of my closest friends. Namely, last week I lied to somebody I’ve known for over 12 years. It was a very selfish and cowardly thing to do, and her expulsion from my life caused to make me think hard about myself and my past actions. Basically, it forced me to evaluate my life and how I treat others close to me.
Though I loved this friend very much and her leaving me caused great sorrow and melancholy, it also prodded me to take certain actions I’ve been delaying for some time.
I became closer to people I’ve neglected and had a very moving conversation with someone I really needed to talk to, someone I loved and lost. It brought both of us closure and I can finally move on to a new chapter in my life. It also brought me new advice from someone I’ve sought help from for over two years, and I learned a lot about my behavior. I’ve lived my life in irrational fear, afraid to change. Because of this fear, I acted in destructive ways. Lies tear down and destroy, while the truth builds us up.
I may have lost a good friend, but I gained a new realization of myself and a better way of living my life.
As if the Gods were telling me I was on the right path, today I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant and got this fortune in my fortune cookie: "Discontent is the fist step in the progress of a man or a nation."
How very true, considering everything that's happened to me lately.