The First Day

FADE IN:

INT. OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT
The Oval Office in the West Wing of the White House contains a lavish oak desk, a sofa and some plush chairs. Paintings of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are here, along with an assortment of decorative Americana. The hallway outside is filled with loud, boisterous revelers. BARACK OBAMA and JOE BIDEN enter the Oval Office, ecstatic and laughing. Both men wear tuxedos with white ties. Biden wears a paper party hat. They are sloppily drunk.

OBAMA
Wow!

Obama sits at his desk, while Biden slumps down on the couch.

BIDEN
Did you see all those people? Jesus Christ! Didn't anybody go to work today?

OBAMA
Let's hope they're not the unemployed I keep hearing about.

Both men look at each other, then burst out laughing.

BIDEN
Man, you're a trip!

OBAMA
I did it! I can't believe I freakin' did it!

BIDEN
We did it.

OBAMA
What? Oh, yeah. Right. We did it.

BIDEN
We made history.

OBAMA
I made history, you mean.

BIDEN
Eh? Oh, sure. Sure. What a tremendous night. The first African-American president and the 47th white vice president. What history!

OBAMA
Leader of the free world? Me! Commander-in-Chief? Me! Little Barry O from Chicago. The One. The Prophet. The Messiah.

BIDEN
You showed them.

OBAMA
Damn straight...

BIDEN
Now all of America loves you. It's just not Chris Matthews. He's totally gay for you.

OBAMA
(rolls eyes)
Ugh! That guy! He keeps sending me flowers. It's very stalkerish...

BIDEN
The guy's a creep. And he spits during every interview.

OBAMA
Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow think I can walk on water...

BIDEN
An egotist and a lesbian.

OBAMA
Yeah! Where do they get these people?

BIDEN
Well, it's better than those brainless dickweeds at Fox, or as I call them, the Ministry of Propaganda.

OBAMA
No more, baby. Not under my watch. Things are going to be different now that I'm in charge. Hannity is out, Limbaugh is out. It's just the New York Times and Variety. Maybe GQ and Vanity Fair if they play their cards right...

Biden reaches into his tuxedo pocket and pulls out a beer bottle. He takes one hearty swig.

BIDEN
Ah, Pabst Blue Ribbon. That's a workingman's beer.

OBAMA
What, doesn't POTUS get a beer?

BIDEN
Sorry. They didn't have any 40 ounce 8-Ball malt liquor.

OBAMA
Fuck you.

Both men look at each other and crack up laughing.

OBAMA
Did you see Bush's face when he shook my hand? I had trouble keeping a straight face. That guy is a total asshole.

Biden walks over to the desk.

BIDEN
(laughs)
Yeah! What about Cheney in a wheelchair? I wanted to roll his ass down those steps! Twisted little hunchback!

OBAMA
Yeah, yeah...Those motherfuckers are long gone. Now it's all me, baby. It's my turn. Eyes on the prize. Nose to the motherfucking grindstone!

BIDEN
Word.

Both men bump fists.

OBAMA
Two million people at the mall came to see us, Joe. Two million retards braving the cold, bundled up like Eskimos in January came to see history. That means something, Joe. That's a commitment. They're invested in us. We've got one thing we need to do.

BIDEN
What's that, Mr. President?

OBAMA
We can't mess up, Joe. We can't make mistakes. There are people out there who want me to fail, who want to see me flounder and fall. We can't let that happen.

BIDEN
Right, Mr. President.

OBAMA
I mean, I have the media and Hollywood on my side. I have all of the blacks and the suburban and urban whites. I've got the northeast and California. But what else do I have?

BIDEN
I believe Virginia went for you.

OBAMA
Virginia? I can't rely on them! That was a fluke! The military hates my guts despite the olive branch I extended to them!

BIDEN
Mr. President, the military wants strong leadership. They want mutually assured victory and hate weakness.

OBAMA
Weakness?

BIDEN
Some of the troops are critical of you threatening to eliminate the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.

OBAMA
You shitting me, J-Man?

BIDEN
J-Man?

OBAMA
Bush had nicknames for everyone in his cabinet. I can't do that?

BIDEN
Whatever. Anyway, some officers think ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell might have a chilling affect on morale.

OBAMA
Yeah, because you know, letting gays serve openly will totally destroy morale. Like being stuck in a Third World shithole for six years isn't already killing their morale.

BIDEN
Another thing, Mr. President, is the economy. Some on Wall Street are critical of your plans to fix the economy and reinvigorate the work force.

OBAMA
So? What's their beef with my plan?

BIDEN
They say you haven't got one.

OBAMA
Oh.

BIDEN
They say your lack of any substantial plans or specifics to fix the economy is more than troubling, it's reckless. Your selection for Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, admitted he failed to pay $34,000 in taxes.

OBAMA
People make mistakes.

BIDEN
It was $34,000, Mr. President. That's quite an oversight.

OBAMA
Maybe he forgot to carry a decimal point or something. Look, those tax forms are complicated. Besides, the guy has a lot on his plate, right?

BIDEN
I'm afraid that's not all, sir.

OBAMA
Great. What else?

BIDEN
The whole Israeli-Palestinian thing.

OBAMA
I don't want to deal with that now, J-Man.

BIDEN
Please don't call me that.

OBAMA
You going to tell me to hush up like your wife?

BIDEN
You...

Obama and Biden start laughing.

BIDEN
I can't get that woman to shut her piehole!

OBAMA
And since when is she known as Dr. Biden? She's a teacher!

BIDEN
I know, I know. It just makes her feel important is all...

They both start laughing for several seconds, which trails off and ends in an awkward silence. Obama and Biden look around at the office.

OBAMA
Man, this really is going to be a wild ride.

BIDEN
You'll both love it and hate it, sir.

OBAMA
True dat.

They both bump fists.

FADE OUT: