A while back, I posted how a Russian woman/spambot contacted me through the phishing site Quechup. As if my life wasn't already shitty enough, another woman from the former Soviet Union decided she wanted to meet me. Since American women ignore me like the plague, and I'm about as popular with women as a serial rapist that spits some kind of corrosive acid from giant, insect-like mandibles, I didn't know why this Russian chick wanted to contact me.
It's probably a dude from the Ukraine who collects the credit card numbers of dupes that think they're chatting with this attractive Ruskie.
Here's what the e-mail/spam I received read:
Hello, stranger!
How are you? I saw your profile on site quechup_com and I got interested.
If you are interested in me too write to me on my e-mail.
And I will surely answer to you. I send you one of my photos.
My name is Ekaterina, I am 27, I live in Russia, in the city of Omsk.
I have a job. I am intellectual, sociable and gay girl.
I want to find a generous and caring man, to whom I will give
all my caress and will take care of him. I hope you are the one
that I was looking for for so long.
Write to me and tell me more about you!
Take care. Ekaterina.
I don't know where to begin. First, the e-mail Ekaterina sent has a yahoo.co.uk extension, meaning it was from the United Kingdom and not from Russia.
Let's deconstruct this line by line:
My name is Ekaterina, I am 27, I live in Russia, in the city of Omsk.
Omsk in in southern Siberia, about 1,700 miles from Moscow. There's nothing in Siberia except prison camps. This scares me.
I have a job. I am intellectual, sociable and gay girl.
I appreciate a working woman. Employment is necessary, especially in Third World countries like Russia. I also like that she's intellectual and sociable. I can't find an American woman who is intellectual. I can find many American women who drink in bars and remove their tops and scream "Wooooo!!!!" but not one that admits she's "intellectual." As far as being a "gay girl," even though I like lesbians, I don't think I would date one. Maybe you should hit on another lesbian and go to a t.A.T.u. concert or something. I don't think there's a Russian equivalent of Lilith Fair.
I want to find a generous and caring man, to whom I will give all my caress and will take care of him.
I am generous and caring, but inviting to "give all my caress" to me is kinda freaky. I mean, I don't even know you. I like taking things slow. And the part about taking care of me? You want to move in already? Cool your jets, sister! Couldn't we at least have dinner first?
I hope you are the one that I was looking for for so long.
Let me see: You're a 27-year old, beautiful blonde Russian woman who uses an Internet social site to meet men and you're hoping a 40-year old writer from New Jersey is the one man who'll take you away from your snow-swept gulag?
You, madam, are a dreamer. You're in complete denial if you think I'm going to rut with some borsch-slinging hussy only interested in scamming men online under the false pretenses of carnal bliss.
I don't believe that any woman in this universe or even in some alternate universe would want to contact me. I see through your shamble of a ruse and call you on it. If you're really who you say you are and you want to get to know me, you will send nude photos of yourself. Since you did not, I can only assume that you are the product of some con artist's fanciful imagination, and the e-mail an elaborate trick designed to part me from my hard-earned gold sovereigns that I keep well-secluded in a velvet moneypurse locked in a bank vault and guarded by a bloodthirsty hellhound.
Fare thee well, Ekaterina! Your vixen ways shall not tempt me to the Almshouse.
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