Sunday, January 27, 2008

Cookies of Liberty

As I walked out of the supermarket today two young girls accosted me and asked if I’d like to purchase Girl Scout cookies. The Girl Scouts had a folding table set up in the supermarket’s vestibule piled with boxes of cookies. Girl Scouts sell their cookies every year, guilting customers into buying their delicious mass-produced treats, and through the years the cookie favorites we grew up with are still there, sold by a new generation of wide-eyed Girl Scouts: Thin Mints, Do-si-dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, and Trefoils. New upstart cookies snuck into the family of treats, cookies with names such as Thanks-A-Lot, Lemonades and Cinna-Spins.
When the Girl Scout (and her accomplice – they always travel in pairs) looked up at me with those wet Spaniel-like eyes and asked “Do you want to buy some cookies?” how could I not react affirmatively to her request? These poor little Girl Scouts need help and we – the general working public – should acquiesce and donate to their worthy cause.
It is up to each of us to do our part for the Girl Scouts of the United States of America.
Bluntly, if we don’t buy Girl Scout cookies the terrorists will have won.

Me doing my part for my country.

I know it sounds harsh, but can you imagine the remnants of Al-Qaeda hunched over a Sterno can smoldering in a cave somewhere on the border of Afghanistan plotting against America, only to be rebuffed by thousands – no, make that millions – of uniformed Girl Scouts parachuting into Kabul, their tiny arms brimming full of boxes of Tagalongs and Do-si-dos? Maybe Osama bin Laden wouldn’t be a terrorist mastermind with a taste of a gooey caramel Samoa or the minty freshness of a Thin Mint!
Can’t you see Lady Liberty delivering that final death blow to America’s enemies with crumbly sweet cookies?
Girl Scout cookies are the last bastion of non-partisan support for our country. People balk at American flag lapel pins for their pomposity and uber-patriotic songs like "God Bless the U.S.A." for their blatant pandering to the trailer park set, but Girl Scout cookies appeal to every American who loves their country and sugary junk food with equal measure. Yes, in a nation where the average ass is the size of a Buick, isn't it great to know we can support our country's fight against terrorism while snacking on tasty cookies?
So the next time you’re scampering away from the supermarket, arms laden with adult diapers, Sanka and that large tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, don’t spurn the Girl Scouts selling cookies. It’s not just cookies they’re shamelessly peddling – it’s freedom in a chocolately coating.
Even if the only box remaining are the shortbread Trefoils nobody likes, or the lemon cookies that taste like shit, buy Girl Scout cookies and stop Islamo-Fascism before it takes root in the land of the free.

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