Letter to God

Dear God,
Well, here I am in my 39th year of life on Earth. Thanks for creating Earth, by the way. Lovely planet. Really nice place with a great atmosphere. I enjoy the ducks immensely.
Anyway, I just thought I'd write you a letter posing a few questions. I know you get prayers all the time, but I thought writing would be a bit more personal. Sorry. I'm a stickler like that. It's how you made me.
First, I'd like to know what's up with all of the violence, killing and bloodshed done in the name of religion? I mean, you don't see wildebeests slaughtering each other over divinity or whose God is greater. Slugs don't strap bombs to themselves and blow up other slugs who don't believe the way they do. So why do humans practice this grisly behavior? Why do people feel the need to prove their faith by murdering scores of their fellow humans? Sounds pretty insane to me.
Secondly, why do you let innocent people die? I understand life and death are natural processes in the universe and all that, but why do you let children get cancer? Why do you let devout people who trust in you and who've done the right things get sick and die? Why not just let all of the vile and murderous people die? That's the way it was in the Old Testament. You were always striking down the wicked with plagues or boils or some nasty thing. Yet today children and good people, the innocent and just are dying while malicious and evil people get to live on.
I'd also like to know why you take away love. I understand that God is love and all that, but why do you cause people to fall out of love? Surely, something as magnificent as love can endure forever, with love lasting a lifetime. Why do people break each other's hearts by pulling away, by losing a close bond of love they once felt? I guess it's that freewill thing you gave Adam and Eve. Not to be critical, but what was that about? You put them next to something called the Tree of Knowledge and tell them not to eat the fruit. That's like tempting somebody by placing them next to the ATM Machine of Free Cash and not having them grab a handfull of bills.
Another thing I'm curious about: Lifespans. I know the average human lifespan is increasing, but we get, what, 80 years if we're lucky or 100 if we're really lucky. But the tortoise lives for 170 years. Maybe a life in a low-stress environment will do that, I don't know, but you do. Old Testament prophets lived for 800 or 900 years, which I understand because of the Mediterranean diet.
Not to blather on; I'm sure you're very busy, but I have additional questions:
Death: I prefer taking things as they come, but could I have some lead time on when my actual death would be and the circumstances surrounding it? I'd like some notice so I can plan accordingly and max out my credit cards beforehand.
Sex: What are some tips for attracting women, because what I'm doing now is simply not working. I bathe regularly, keep my appearance neat and clean and don't stuff cheeseburgers into my mouth or fart in public. I'm nice and courteous and articulate, with a silly sense of humor. So obviously, women aren't attracted to me. What do I have to do to woo a female? I understand Biblically it involved a lot of heady-scented oils and silks, and frankly that sounds expensive and a little bit gay.
Wealth: If the love of money truly is the root of all evil, then are millionaires hell-bound?
Life: Is there really life on other planets, God? I'd hate to think Earth was like a country club where humanity exists in a tiny oasis in space. And if aliens are real, why do they abduct our rednecks and perform anal probes? Again, it sounds expensive and a little bit gay.
Christmas: Did your son get the birthday card I sent him last year? It was the one with the $10 bill inside. I thought he'd like to spend it on something nice, like ice cream or a sweater.
Animals: The platypus. What were you thinking? Were you high during the design phase? It looks like a beaver with a duck's bill. I've seen a lot of weird-looking creatures, but the platypus looks like it could've been in the cantina scene from Star Wars.
Mysteries: Stonehenge. Who built it and why? Was it a bunch of druids with nothing to do on a Saturday night? And who really killed JFK? The government says it's one man, but I have my doubts. Who was really on that grassy knoll? Was it the CIA, Mafia or a druid with a grudge?
Humans: Andy Dick. Why, God? Why?
Fate: Will I find the love of my life soon? See, I've had my heart broken before and I'm on this dating website and it's a total trainwreck. The people are freaks. Well, you probably know what I'm going through. So if you could send me a woman who won't drive me crazy and actually means what she says, I'd really appreciate it. I'd even sacrifice an animal to you. You like meat, right? I read that somewhere.
Looks like I've prattled on way too long, God. Sorry about that. I'm a writer, you know. If you could just answer the questions I've posed, then I would be eternally grateful. If I sounded brusque, I apologize. I just have these nagging questions.
Praise you.

- E