Monday, March 10, 2008

Spitzer or Swallower?

When my editor asked me today if I heard New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's possible involvement in a prostitution ring, I wasn't shocked. I was really numb to it all. After Sen. Larry Craig's escapades in a men's airport bathroom, Pastor Ted Haggard soliciting gay men for sex and Congressman Mark Foley preying on young pages like a Catholic priest, nothing really shocks me.
Politicians and sex. They seem to go together, don't they?
From former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's admission he juggled another man's balls in his mouth before giving him a high-paying security position, to former President Bill Clinton's admitting he used a White House intern's vagina as a humidor, sex and politics are as American as Astroglide. Allegations that former Congressmen Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde and former President George H.W. Bush all had mistresses are nothing new.
I guess I'm not shocked whenever they find dirt on politicians these days. They all have skeletons in their closet. I'm especially skeptical of those who get up and sound the clarion call of virtue and morality and months later it's discovered they're members of NAMBLA who had more underage ass than a weekend at Michael Jackson's house.
This whole Spitzer thing is commonplace; a politician who has everything, including the money and power to ship a prostitute from New York to Washington. I mean, what's the likelihood a hooker from New York would recognize the governor of her own state? If you're on business in Washington, sample the local whores! Give that town a little economic jolt!
Politicians are dirty. They are. You know it. I know it. Nobody who gets in that racket is as innocent as a choir boy. They're more like the choir director running a numbers game in the rectory basement.
Politicians are obsessed with the status quo and maintaining that status quo. They vote themselves raises and lie their asses of to the people they represent. So why does it shock anyone that they do things like Spitzer or McGreevey or Gingrich? "Do as I say, not as I do" is complete bullshit and the public knows it. After televangelist Jim Bakker hosted the PTL Club and told everybody sinners would go to Hell, then later has an affair or preacher Jimmy Swaggart ranted fire and brimstone upon those who defied the Bible, yet in the seclusion of a motel he took photos of a prostitute, I'm not amazed at the behavior of anyone we're supposed to revere.
This whole thing leads to one conclusion: what shit are they going to dig up on Barack Obama? That he's a necrophile who rapes dead corpses? Or Hillary Clinton? That she had drunken lesbian orgies and fisted Madeleine Albright? Or John McCain? That he blew Ho Chi Minh? After Bill Clinton and everybody else, this Spitzer thing is not scandalous; it's business as usual.
The least he could do is resign and appoint a eunuch as governor. At least then when he fails to decide on something momentous, the critics will chide him: "What's the matter? Don't you have any balls? Oh, wait. Never mind... You don't."

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