Sunday, May 18, 2008

Leave It To California

The California Supreme Court ruled to overturn a law that defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman on May 15. Yes, leave it to those liberals in California to not make marriage about procreation but about love.
Sheesh! Will they ever learn?
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (it's still wicked cool he's governor!) said the decision should be left to voters or the court and not the legislature. Opponents of gay marriage petitioned for a an amendment banning gay marriage that will appear this November on the ballot.
Is making marriage between homos, lezbos and trannies destroying the very fabric of our God-fearing, red-meat eating society?
Is marriage as an institution dying a slow death even if the wife doesn't complain "Not tonight; I have a headache?"
Can Steve and Bill finally agree on a china pattern that is both tasteful and practical?
Gays and lesbians getting hitched won't ruin marriage - marriage has always been a trainwreck. Men and women get together, they think they're in love and they commit and the next step is popping out a few kids and raising those kids. But along the way, people change. Pressures with jobs, pressures with families. Things don't always work out the way you envisioned. There's not a Hallmark card that reads "Sorry, but you're just not the person I married. Fuck, what was I thinking?"
Today, about 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. According to sociologists, childlessness is a leading factor in divorce. With no children to raise, couples grow lonely and drift apart.
That's why I think to save marriage in America we should make it possible for couples to automatically have kids. The government will provide newly-married couples babies especially birthed from industrial baby farms. These government-issued babies (one per couple) will occupy the couple's time, allowing them to adjust to family life immediately after their honeymoons. Instead of experiencing the stress of conception, the government-issued babies will make sure couples stay together via the stress of child-rearing.
Now, to make sure gay couples in California won't spend their time hogging up the Astroglide for nights of sodomania, the government will issue babies for them, so they can experience the joys of instant parenting and stay together. From the wussiest urban homosexual couple to the grittiest Harley-riding leather dykes, all gay couples must have these government-issued babies. Then maybe they can realize marriage isn't about love but sacrifice and a slow numbing spiral into insanity.
On the plus side, California allowing gay marriage means gay celebrities are lining up for their weddings. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi will tie the knot, as will George Takei and his partner Brad Altman.
If you think the latest Hollywood blockbuster has good production values, wait till you see these gay celebrity weddings!
The opponents of gay marriage cite the Bible as a measurement of how society should be. Well, when I get my slaves, multiple wives and fatted calf to sacrifice to a vengeful God, then we'll talk. Do you know how many rules the Bible outlines in the Old Testament alone? Do you like lobster and other shellfish? Well, you're a sinner. When your wife has her period, do you sleep with her? You're a sinner! Do you like porkchops? Guess what? Sinner! Homosexuality is repugnant in many religions. It's extremely offensive and punishments befall those who practice "unnatural sexual acts".
Some opponents say that letting gays marry will open the door to other "unnatural acts", like the desire to legalize beastiality.
I'm sorry, dude, but if you want to fuck livestock, you've got problems. At least gays stick with their own species.
But Europe, which is extremely liberal in the whole "let's treat gays like they're humans department" gay marriage is so, well, so last season.
In the Netherlands, the issue isn't an issue. In fact, the first gay divorces made their way through the court a few years ago. In 1989, Denmark allowed civil unions. France and Germany have civil unions, along with England and Spain.
Disney World will have to change the "It's A Small World" ride to "It's a Gay World" if this keeps up. Why does the rest of the world appease gay couples while in the United States favors a more Middle Eastern approach, that is, if you're queer, you're killed?
I think it's because Europe is very progressive. European society is an engine for innovative and experimental ideas and philosophies. They're not afraid to try the untested. Their society is many decades ahead of ours. In Europe, they had fascism during the 1930s, and America is just arriving at its fascism now so we're a bit behind.
So letting the rump rangers marry is something passe to Europeans, while it apparently offends the shit out of us.

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